Wholeness

They arrived in time for dinner Monday night, Dad, Mom, Johanna, Sarah Anne, and Matthew.  They are home, and we are together again.  On Thursday, preparing for their homecoming, tying my apron around my waist, I heard Grace, home from San Antonio, touching her fingers to the piano, and filling the house with music.  Mounting the stairs, words pushing at my fingers, I laid my hands across the keys of my typewriter, and spelled out these words.

I can feel it.  Rambellwood is coming back together.  I knew it when the strains of Grace's music, made by her fingers treading the piano keys, began to flow across the lonely floors of the house.  I can feel it now, as the Lord presses words from my heart, here onto this page.  Two days and they will begin their journey home, four days, and they will be here.  Four days and all of us, one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine of us, will stand together, one again.

We... the family at Rambellwood.

And so it happened.  They drove in, at last, lifting their weary souls from the car.  Matthew went tearing out across the grass in his bare feet, thrilled to be home.

We had dinner, and celebrated Samuel's birthday, and talked, until Dad, weary from long hours driving, had to retire.  And then we all went to bed, and I marveled to see each room, quiet at the closing of the day, each bed occupied by its old inhabitant.  Rambellwood felt warm, and wonderful.

But, our lives have changed, and are changing still.  Mom is on a strict diet, that builds her immune system, and starves the cancer cells, and our already health conscious household is undergoing major adjustments.  We drove to Dallas on Thursday, to stock our pantry with organic produce, and purchase organically made personal care products, soaps, toothpaste, etc.  Everything made with artificial processes and harmful chemicals is disappearing from our shelves.

What a whirlwind it has made our lives, but what new joys we are blessed with!  Mom is her old, energetic, self, and yet a new woman.  She is planning our new life with the gusto and fervor I know so well.  Her treatments in California strengthened her immune system, and gave her body the impetus to fight for itself.

As of yet, we do not have medical proof of improvement.  No official tests have been made, yet.  But, the proof is in Mom's very life, in the return of her energy, of her health.  She lowered the dosage of her pain patch, with, unlike her last attempt, positive results.

What else can I say?  Despite no official results, we know that she is healing.  We know these new treatments are working, and working extremely well.  We know, and we are blessed beyond belief in the knowledge.  And slowly, week by week, the Lord is putting the pieces of our life together, like a scattered jigsaw puzzle, piece by piece, becoming a whole picture.  I can feel that wholeness, wrapping His warmth around us, binding us to each other, and binding us to Him.

With all my heart,

Emma
and all of us at Rambellwood

Note:  If you have any questions, please let me know.  So much happens, it is hard to put it all into words.  Some of your questions may be difficult to answer, but others I may simply have forgotten to mention.

Another Update

So... here we are, the nine of us, separated by innumerable miles, watching the Lord work.


Grace, in San Antonio with dear friends, learning and growing, becoming the woman of grace He has molded her to be.


Sam, in Denton, pursuing his future, and here at home, pursuing our future, as a family, and as a band.


Mom and Dad, and Johanna and Sarah Anne and Matthew, far away in California, settling into their apartment, into their life, and into the routine at the clinic, seeking God's peace through the passing days.


And James and I, here at home, continuing our lives, moving forward with what He, our Father in Heaven, has for us.


Today is Mom's birthday, and the thought of her, and all the years our family has spent together, tugs at my heart.  How do I put this feeling into words?  This incredible, wistful longing for my family to be together again, mixed with an unbelievable hope that, as Johanna said to me in a chat, 

"the Lord wants to do something in EACH of us... and when He has done that work, He will bring us back together again."

And those works are beginning.  The Lord is working in us, and through us.  Here are Dad's words on their experience so far at the Issels Clinic.

"The care Bonny is getting is very diverse.  She gets an IV bag each morning which contains  a long list of vital nutritional components for building her immune system.  We both meet with one or two of the three doctors available to us.  Today we were told that the initial blood test revealed many good levels, including in her liver.   She also has massage, acupunture, hyperberic oxen chamber, and sauna treatments, all natural ways of building the body to fight the disease.  Even this description barely scratches the surface of all that we are experiencing.

At Issels there is quite a team of caring people who have had many good results with their treatment protocol outside of traditional western oncology and medicine.  One thing that was obvious to us our first few days is how careful they are in mentioning anything spiritual.  One of the doctors who spoke to us on Tuesday, during lunch, was talking about drawing from a higher power and used the term, "the infinite energy of the universe".  He said to be "relentless in your pursuit of this positive energy connection".  Whoa now!  This, at first was disturbing.  But, as the Lord confirmed through another speaker today, God is not limited by this in our lives and rather uses it to strengthen our resolve.  Our "relentless pursuit of this infinite energy" is not to an unknown force.  His name is Jesus, our Savour, and Friend.  He has called us by name.  We are His.  Bonny told this doctor that her hope was not in Issels but in Jesus.  He agreed."

Dad told me stories of Mom, of the light she is in that place.  Her condition is rare, and it is easy to be discouraged about ever finding a treatment that could work, but, as Mom spoke, in her own words.  "I am not trusting this IV (they are feeding treatments into her body through the IV) to save me.  I am trusting Jesus to save me."

There are no truer words than those, no greater hope than that.  No matter what comes our way, we must trust Jesus to carry us through it.  Pray that we will find our trust in Him, that His strength, unending, will buoy us up in this struggle.


And for that, thank you.  Thanks to all of you, for your prayers, and your thoughts, for your donations, and the efforts you are making on our behalf.  We are blessed beyond belief by the army that surrounds us.


I will try to post again soon, as soon as we hear more definite results from the doctors at Issels. 


Emma
and all of us from Rambellwood 

On the Road to California

After much prayer, research, and consideration, Bonny will be starting a new treatment in Santa Barbara, California, at the Issels Medical Center.  Though chemo had been holding the cancer at bay, it by no means was applying a cure or allowing her body to resist the disease.  Rather, the chemo was breaking down her body's own immune system and ability to fight.  For many weeks we have struggled with this and have explored other means.  Issels, as you can see from their web site, not only offers non-toxic treatment, but has the history of helping people who were given no hope elsewhere. 

 

Since we will be traveling outside of Texas, Medicaid will not provide for this treatment for Bonny.  This has been another huge step, but we know God will provide.  Her life is to too precious to settle for less.  We will be able to get the ball rolling at Issels with the donations so many of you have blessed us with.  We do anticipate a need for more funds and are inviting anyone who is able to help.

 

We are leaving early this morning.  Driving for three days to California.  Bonny, Johanna, Sarah Anne, Matthew and I will be staying for approximately one month there in an apartment that Issels is providing, only charging us utilities since we are cash pay.  Grace will be staying with dear friends in San Antonio and James and Emma will be here at home.  Of course, Sam is still in school, UNT in Dallas.

 

Your prayers have been felt by all of us. We are hanging on to every word God is saying to us through His word.  We will keep you informed as much as possible while away.

 

Trusting the Lord,

 

Cary

In Flight

We flew away today.  We grabbed onto an idea and packed up our things in a whirlwind of excitement.  Now we are on the road, the miles passing beneath us, carrying us towards San Antonio, to visit some dear friends, to get away, to loosen the weariness of living from our shoulders….. to leave it all behind.

There is such a joy, such an exhilaration, in the spontaneity of this trip.  I am so excited, to be sitting here with my family, feeling the rush of the wheels beneath, bags and pillows piled around, watching Matthew's thrilled face smiling up at me.

We have been struggling, weary with living, with hoping for the future, with grasping for wisdom and making heavy decisions.  I myself have felt trapped, stuck in a rut, walking day after day, wanting nothing but to shut myself in a hole, safe, where nothing is required of me.

But we cannot live that way.  We must walk with our eyes open, awake to His voice, listening for His heart.  We must, and yet the strength to do so feels so far from our grasp.

So Lord, teach us to be still, to let You be our strength, to let You carry us, so we can fly away.

I wish that we could fly away

forever and a day

I wish the world would let us go

That we could fly like supermen

That all this pain away we'd throw

And then walk we'd in joy again.

I wish that we could fly away 

forever and a day

I wish we were like red striped kites

That we could raise our souls in flight

That we could leave our pain behind

If we had only YOU in mind.

__________________________________________________

It was Thursday, when I wrote the above.  Now we are home, with memories of joy sitting beside us, and thoughts for the future resting before us.

Until later,

Emma
and all of us at Rambellwood

Watercolor

"It is like watercolor.  We are the water, but without his color, we are not beautiful.  Jesus.  Jesus.  Jesus.  We need You so much."

They are Sarah Anne's words, written in her little blue diary, written while we worshiped, and sought our Lord for wisdom. 

It is difficult to put into words, to translate with ink and pen, what God is speaking to our hearts.  But I shall do my best, because He is speaking.  And we are listening, listening because only He can bring us wisdom.

"Where then does wisdom come from? 

       Where does understanding dwell?

 God understands the way to it 

       and he alone knows where it dwells,

 for he views the ends of the earth 

       and sees everything under the heavens.

 When he established the force of the wind 

       and measured out the waters,

 when he made a decree for the rain 

       and a path for the thunderstorm,

 then he looked at wisdom and appraised it; 

       he confirmed it and tested it.

 And he said to man, 

       'The fear of the Lord—that is wisdom,  

       and to shun evil is understanding.' "        Job 28

And this is what he says, that no matter what route we go in Mom's treatment, whether it be chemo, or whether it be something else, no matter which doctor sees us, or what they say, it is God who will heal Mom.  It is He who will direct our steps, and He who we must trust.

Mom has another chemo appointment tomorrow, and she is struggling with the thought.  We do not like chemo, any of us, and Mom is searching for peace to endure another round.  At present, we are planning to continue with the chemo for another six week period, and judge the results at the end of that time.

We must walk moment by moment, seeking the Lord, brushstroke after brushstroke, as he paints His glory on the canvas of our lives.  Pray for our spiritual eyes, that we would keep a clear perspective, that we should find peace in each decision...

That we would keep our eyes fixed upon our Lord.

In His strength,

Emma

The Heavens Opened

The heavens opened today.  Our Father in Heaven poured rain from his throne, rain that rushed past our windows, raging against the glass, while lighting flashed white across our vision, and the thunder of the Lord shook our souls.

The news from M.D. Anderson is good.  The chemotherapy continues to reduce the tumors.

But... dear, dear friends, it is so, very slow, and the little the doctor has told us does not give us hope.  It seems that this treatment, though it stalls the tumors in Mom's body and cuts slowly away at them, cannot utterly destroy them.

I felt it, when Dad called on Thursday, when they were on their way home.  I felt the loss of hope, the stab of uncertainty, and now, with the days moving slowly on, we all feel it, and we are all seeking the Lord for wisdom.

Word of an alternative treatment has reached our ears, an alternative treatment that has a higher percentage of success in curing patients.  We have doubts about it, but we have the same doubts about the chemo, and the positive results of the alternative treatment are making us seriously consider it.  The only problem, is that this treatment cannot be covered by Medicaid, leaving us to find the funds ourselves.  It is much less money than what Medicaid is forking out for the chemo right now, but it is enough that we are cautious about spending it.

So... here is our request, that you would pray for direction, that you would ask the Lord to show us the way and lead our feet along the path He has laid for us.

And He is God.  He showed us, today in the storm, as he poured forth His glory and His love in a torrent of rain and spoke of His power with the roll of His thunder.  I told Him I trusted Him, and I asked Him..

"Now that I trust you, what am I to do?"

"Praise me", He said.

He is God, and we will praise Him.

Emma
and all of us at Rambellwood


P.S.  I have added a music player at the bottom of this blog, to share songs that the Lord is touching us with.  You are welcome to listen. 

Peace

Dear Friends,

It has been quite a while since I have posted here!  Knowing there are so many special people, across this country, praying for us, and thinking of us, waiting for news, I have resolved to update this blog on a more regulated basis.

Life is beginning to find its rhythm again, 

to carry us forward with a steady pace, 

moving with the gentle beat of the passing days.  

The Lord is holding us, 

and pressing his truth into our hearts, 

especially for Mom.  

She wanted to share, with all of you, 

what the Lord shared with her.

When I first found out I had this situation, (honestly, I don't like to say the name of "C") peace pervaded my soul and my spirit.  But, as time wore on, I felt despair begin to crack my peace.  I kept trying to get my peace back.  Then I started to have fear because I was afraid the despair would overtake me.  It felt like it was getting stronger and stronger.  

 Then God began to speak to me about repenting.  He told me to repent of pride in a certain situation.  I began to repent and cry out in my despair to the Lord.  I told the Lord how full of despair I was.  I began to feel, tangibly feel, the Lord replace the despair I felt with love and yes, peace.

The next morning I woke up and started feeling despair again.  I sat in my closet on my stool and I began to cry.  I cried physical tears and I cried out to the Lord.  I told the Lord I was feeling despair again, and as I cried out to Him, He brought peace back again to me.  I began to feel the fear of despair subside.  

I realized I didn't have to fear despair because He was right in the middle of that despair.  I felt free!  It was freeing to know God was with me in the very depth of my fear and despair.

Mom and Dad left this morning for M.D. Anderson, and we wait, here at home, remembering to...

Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, and constant in prayer.  

We wait for the results, and we wait for His words upon the pages of this book.

With all my heart,

Emma